“People-pleasers don’t make good servants of Christ because people-pleasers cave under pressure from influential people, ignore harmful hypocrisy, and run from the shame of the cross. But more than that, people-pleasers live anxious lives, always worrying about whether they’ll find approval or disapproval from others….” – R. Kent Hughes
Some years ago, I was serving as the interim pastor of a medium-sized church in New Mexico; a church which had one of the finest ministry teams with which I have ever worked. Our youth pastor, Pastor Sean was particularly brilliant; a creative, witty and godly man whose commitment to Jesus and to his church was unquestioned. As was his custom every year, Pastor Sean would create a fund-raising event to which he would invite the whole church as a way of raising money to send as many kids as possible to summer Bible camp. He worked hard to make these events memorable, enjoyable and exciting; trusting that the church body would lend their support through their attendance and giving.
Yet, I remember fondly the year when attendance to one of his fund-raising events inexplicably dropped. People didn’t show up in the numbers as expected and so giving evaporated as well. On the Sunday following this ignored event, Pastor Sean, evidently upset at the apparent lack of support, lovingly but firmly verbally chastised the church for their unfaithfulness. That sounds harsh, but it wasn’t, and everyone seemed to accept his rebuke, in spirit in which it was intended.
Yet, after the service, in the midst of an empty auditorium, Sean sought me out, worried that he has upset people by his words. I told him that what he had said and the way he had said it was kind yet firm; and that he had nothing for which to feel ashamed. After all, the people of the church in this instance deserved to be rebuked for their laziness in regard to their own youth group.
I comforted and challenged him with these words,
“Brother, I’ve learned long ago that if you’re going to serve God, you cannot be afraid of people.”
I still believe that to be true. In fact, I wasn’t long into my first pastorate when I came face to face with this issue. I learned that I wasn’t going to be able to please everyone in my church, in fact, as I ministered, the more I tried to please people; the more worried I became with what people thought of me, or what they are saying of me, the less joy I had for the ministry itself.
And believe me, if there is one thing that church people want of their church leadership, it’s for their pastor to move heaven and earth to please them in all things; in every decision, direction, message and action. But it’s impossible. It’s impossible to please everyone; and if you try, if that’s your biggest concern…you won’t be destined for the ministry for very long.
And what’s worse, you’ll become some pathetic version of yourself. You’ll either become as fake as some Cartier knock-off peddled in darkened back alleys or you’ll completely wear yourself to a frazzle trying to genuinely accomplish the expectations of everyone around you. Yet, the problem is
What ultimately happens is that you find yourself in your own self-made spiritual prison; a slave to the expectations of others from which there’s no seeming release…no respite…no joy. A dreary shadowland of failure in a place that’s always overcast; a place where God seems to be a million miles away.
I remember well, this darkened place. For during my college years, I struggled personally with this issue as it relates to my mother. For as any child would seek to do, I wanted to please my mother.
I lived with my parents in the summer, and the issue of meeting my mom’s expectations
Things changed however, because of a conversation with my younger brother who gave me some advice that I’ll always remember. He said, “The difference between us; the reason I have good relationship with Mom is because I’m not trying to please her…you are. You want to improve your relationship with her? My advice to you is: Quit trying…quit trying to please her!”
And you know what? He was right. The moment I quit trying, our relationship improved. This was a valuable piece of the puzzle I needed to live a happier life. Do want to live a happy life; a life free from the stocks of competing human expectation? Then just quit trying! Quit trying to make everybody happy! It’s only going to make you miserable.
What a remarkably profound and freeing concept that was to me.
Years later, in ministry I learned another valuable truth as to my quandary and it came, oddly enough from the lips of the Apostle Paul who wrote this in Galatians 1:10:
“Am I now, trying to win the approval of men or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be the servant of Christ.”
As I’ve said, trying to keep everybody happy is a trap; it becomes a self-made prison from which there seems to be no escape. But what does one do with the many legitimate expectations that are asked of us in life? That is, I cannot simply blow off my boss in my place of business who makes a legitimate request of me. Nor does this mean I ought to abrogate my God-given responsibilities to my family…to be a good husband or a good father. Not trying to win the approval of others does not release me from my responsibility to do what I know to be right!
So, quitting, as we’ve discussed, is only part of the answer.
The part that completes the reality is found in the aforementioned verse from Galatians. It’s obvious from this verse that Paul has already quit trying to please people, especially when it came to the gospel. For the preaching of the gospel has always been and continues to be offensive to people. Yet, Paul continued to preach it despite how it was received; even despite what he had to suffer because of it. He wasn’t worried that people disliked being told they were sinners and that there was only one way to remedy the situation. Why? Because his life did not revolve around the pleasure of others. It revolved around pleasing only one person in his life, namely God…and God alone.
For he says, “if I were still trying to please men, I would not be the servant of Christ.” Contained in this verse are some remarkable, life-freeing truths we ought to consider. Firstly, that…
God has simplified the issue!
The real problem in trying to make everyone happy is the reality of the volumes of people surrounding us, all of which have competing expectations. In other words, one person wants this of me; and yet another wants something else. How do you please them both?
Now, if you multiply that number by the number of all the people who surround you in life, each seeking and demanding something different; how can your supply meet their demand? It’s impossible. Yet, Paul has simplified things by telling us through his pen, that the only one you really need to please is God. This simplifies things.
So, instead of having 40 or 400 people to please, now, I only have One! Do you know how liberating that is? And if the goal of my life now is only to please one person, God, then the cell door I’ve been living in can be thrown wide open. For pleasing God is the key! Pleasing God can release you from the drudgery and despair that is people-pleasing. You want to be free from the worry, the feelings of failure and despair that comes with being a people-pleaser?
Then do one thing…Live your life for an audience of One! Trust me…you’ll sleep better.
You must decide to whom you belong!
As R. Kent Hughes has written in his commentary on this passage, “people-pleasers don’t make good servants of Christ.” And the reason is because of the nature of the cross itself. The cross demands exclusive allegiance despite any opposition that stands against it. This then makes discipleship and people-pleasing innately incongruous realities.
But beyond this, it is often true even from within the church, that what people want is often directly opposed to what God wants, simply because there are times you must choose to displease people in order to please God. Sometimes, in order to say “yes” to Jesus, you must say, “no” to the people around you.
This is what determines if you are in truth, “a servant of Christ”. As a pastor, I’ve had to ask myself
“To whom do I belong?” Any man in the ministry, worth his salt will always respond to that question with the answer, “I am the servant of the Living God!” For though I am charged with loving and serving others, I do not belong to the people I serve. I am the Lord’s! He alone owns me for he alone bought and paid for me with his own blood. And the true servant of Christ will not abrogate that reality for the whims and desires of selfish, self-centered people.
You want to be free of people-pleasing? Decide to whom you belong!
Only God’s opinion and judgment matter!
If there’s only one person in life to whom you belong then there’s only One whose evaluation of your life and ministry matter. Once you understand that; once you truly believe and accept that, what you’ll notice is how small the expectations of others become. In the light of the greatness and majesty of the Holy One, what others want of me; or what others think of me, seem to shrink into the infinitesimal abyss of nothingness. They don’t really matter.
I have found that when you’re confronted with a politically motivated, self-centered manipulative person who only wants what he wants because of the evil desires that have consumed him; that there is something tremendously freeing about looking that person square in the eye and saying, “You know what? I really don’t care what you want! I don’t give a wit what you think of me! It’s what God wants that really matters!” There’s freedom in that and it comes from a life that is wholly given to the Lord, no matter what may come.
Paul had this in spades.
There is, I think, a holy unconcern that develops in one’s heart when it comes to the illegitimate or oppressive expectations of others. Especially when those same expectations are in direct opposition to the will of God.
We can observe this in the life of Paul himself when he tells the Corinthian believers in 1 Corinthians 4:3-5:
“I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court…it is the Lord who judges me.”
What an amazing attitude!
Essentially, he’s telling the Corinthians, “I couldn’t give a flying pig in space for what you think of me. It doesn’t keep me up at night; it doesn’t concern me in the least and why? Because it’s not you that I’m going to have to stand in front of and give an accounting of my life. I don’t answer to you!”
Now to some this may sound abrasive and blunt. But it’s true. In the grand scheme of things the only opinion we need to worry about in the end is God’s. So take my advice dear reader:
Let rest the opinions of others in the loving arms of the only One qualified to judge the life of another with perfec truth, grace
Instead, obey the principle that Paul lays out in verse 5:
“Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men’s hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God.”
For again as R. Kent Hughes tells us:
“…We must not entrust ourselves to the judgment of others but to the judgment of God. People are fickle, and so are their judgments of us. If we’re always working hard to curry favor from other people and to do what they think we should do, we will eventually work ourselves into a state of exhaustion and despair. Remember, God’s judgment is far kinder than man’s, and God’s judgment is also far simpler than man’s. It doesn’t involve a thousand different and competing expectations of us; God only wants one thing from us; ‘faith working through love.’”
That’s good advice. Life would be so much better if we all took to heart!